Nostalgia: Is it possible to be vulnerable and self-sufficient at the same time?

I’m not sure how many, or if anyone, will relate with today’s post but I want to believe I’m not the only one who experiences this.

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Nostalgia – A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past

Introspective – The examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes

Vulnerable – Susceptible to physical or emotional attack

Enmeshment – A relationship between people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear

 

Enmeshed relationships are dysfunctional – objective witnesses can easily identify the unhealthy attributes. They frequently arise during crisis: addiction, homelessness, the loss of a loved one, depression, loneliness or other mutually shared struggles. Teenagers are notorious for these connections. These relationships often end once someone becomes “healthy” – it’s a painful, and sad, process to go through realizing that the relationship was never about romance or even the two people involved. It was about support; it was about belongingness; it was about feeling normal in the midst of chaos. Regardless of what, these two will always be connected on another level – they’ve seen the absolute worst of each other. Remembering those relationships can often bring up a dull, achy nostalgia.

 

Codependent relationships are a topic for a different day. Many codependent relationships are often enmeshed, but this is referring to those relationships of intense emotional connectedness where both partners would gladly do more for the other than themselves – both are giving, giving, giving but no one is moving forward and so they remain stuck; clinging to each other like life rafts.

 

When I was young(er), I was vulnerable by nature and found symbolism and meaning in everything. I mean, everything. Now I just find funny little coincidences. Every step forward in life has brought me further away from that vulnerable girl, and sometimes I miss her. Her life was full of flavorful symbolism and cosmic connectedness; a willingness to maintain friendships at all costs and a warmth that is hard to conjure up as a self-sufficient adult. She loved easily and deeply and could whole-heartedly throw herself into endeavors. But she was also very sad and reliant on those relationships to determine her worth.

 

Full reliance on others for our emotional state is not healthy, but it can appear beautiful in the moment. I wouldn’t want to resurrect the girl that I was, but I do miss her sometimes.

 

When people become self-sufficient, it’s hard to be vulnerable. Vulnerability implies that one can be hurt and while it may sting a little when life separates loved ones via circumstance, the more self-sufficient one is the harder it is to imagine the departure of anyone being a devastating event. Life would go on; the more aware of this one becomes, the harder it is to achieve complete vulnerability. This doesn’t include the death of a loved one – this refers to all the other separations we go through – break ups, relocations, job changes, and positive life changes such as becoming a parent or graduating. It’s sad, but It no longer triggers those desperate feelings of needing them to survive. The fear of losing them.

 

But every once in a while, nostalgia may kick in; a longing for those moments of complete enmeshment with someone else, because it was beautiful at the time how each of you clung to one another waiting for the storms to pass (any romantic movie will reaffirm that). It was meaningful at the time. That dull ache serves as a reminder of how far you’ve come – embrace it, and love yourself today.

 

Can anyone else relate or is it just me today?

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via Daily Prompt: Flavorful

Self sabotaging: My confidence is fine

My last post was about procrastination versus self-sabotage. By not meeting deadlines and blaming it on procrastination, it ensures that no one will view us as incapable; we may be deemed as sucking at time management, but you can’t judge the quality of my efforts if I don’t make an effort. And let’s face it, those of us who are using procrastination as an excuse for self-sabotaging behavior tend to only “procrastinate” when it is a more challenging task (or at least, from my experience, yours may be different). Being fearful of success can sometimes be attributed to a fear of not being good enough once we arrive; or not being able to go any further than our first goal. We may be confident that we can reach our goal; but we aren’t confident that we can surpass it.

Self-sabotaging behavior does not necessarily mean that we lack self-confidence or self-esteem.

I was voted the best at utilizing silence during sessions during graduate school. For once, my introverted personality worked for me! This was the first (and only) time that I was voted the best at anything; I’m the best at being silent. Go me, right?

In general, I’m a pretty quiet person; I can entertain myself for days, I don’t need a lot of attention from other people and prefer solitary activities to group events. But please, don’t label me as shy or insecure.

I’m perfectly comfortable around new people or being in groups of strangers; get me talking about something I’m passionate about and I won’t shut up. I’m an observer by nature. I’ve found that there are benefits to this – people tend to underestimate me (this gets me out of a lot of things I prefer not to do anyway so win-win) and when I do speak up, people tend to listen because it’s a shocking event for them to hear my voice.

Most of this post is my own opinion based from my own experiences and observations of the world; but I view self-sabotage as a way for us to ensure our self-confidence remains in tact. Sabotaging our success allows us to be in control of the outcome, and we tend to do this during events/tasks/relationships in which there is the possibility of failure.

By nature, kids are self-confident; they believe wholeheartedly that they can do anything. Have you ever had a kid tell you they can jump out of that 10 foot tree and land on their feet? They really believe it. That’s confidence!

I’m very self-confident; some may say too confident at times. I’ve been described as a rebel; though, I’d prefer the term “strong-willed”. I’m opinionated and passionate and have no doubts about my abilities. Truth is, the best way to motivate me is to tell me that I can’t do something; I’ll do my utmost to prove you wrong.

Self-esteem is fluid and while it effects self-confidence; they are not the same construct. I know that I am capable of giving a motivating speech in front of people; however, the thought of this triggers anxiety for me because it’s not my preferred way of doing things. Knowing I’m capable and following through with it are not the same. Now, if I give that speech and everybody claps – my self-esteem is boosted; But, if I give that speech and get booed off the stage – my self-esteem is damaged.

You may argue that if my self-esteem is damaged, my confidence will also be damaged; but not necessarily. If I have high self-confidence then I’m more prepared to accept that this occurred and know that I will do better the next go-around. If every time I give a speech; I am booed, then my self-confidence with public speaking will weaken. Self-esteem and self-confidence work together.

Now, if I’m highly anxious about giving speeches and worry that I’m going to be booed from the stage, I may engage in sabotaging behaviors to avoid the experience altogether; if I achieve this, then I can tell myself and others that had I given the speech, I would have succeeded; or, I can give a horrendous speech and blame it on procrastinating on writing it. Procrastination provides us a “valid” reason we failed.

Helicopter parenting has been criticized for damaging kids’ independent skills; it also can damage self-esteem to the point self-confidence becomes eroded. If we are constantly telling our children that they cannot do anything on their own; we are expressing that we do not trust in their abilities…and they are never provided opportunities to build self-esteem. Self-confidence cannot be maintained without self-esteem boosters.

Self-esteem is not strengthened by remaining in the safe zones; it’s gained by challenging ourselves, learning new skills, and even by failing. Avoiding these opportunities leads to depression and anxiety. If we never fail at anything then we aren’t trying hard enough. No, that last sentence was not a typo; we need to fail at things.

Continuing to tell people that they are wonderful at everything they do is a disservice to them; they already know they aren’t, no need to lie to them. Not everyone is going to be athletic and not everyone is going to be book smart. Confidence is built by events that strengthen self-esteem in areas that we really are successful in. If I’m always the last one in the race; don’t tell me that I’ll win it next time (that’s silver-lining me). Instead, tell me how brave it was for me to enter and complete the race. Focus on my bravery, not my running skills.

Positive affirmations, particularly hollow ones (that are not relevant to our personal abilities), do not increase our self-esteem; behavior increases our self-esteem. Letting kids fall increases their understanding of their own limitations; and by being willing to get “back on the horse”, builds their confidence that they are not going to give up. Overcoming obstacles is how we build self-confidence.

How are you currently protecting your self-confidence? Me, I’m avoiding a promotion.

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via Daily Prompt: Solitary